Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
