The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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