Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
