I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
