So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
