the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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