so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
