Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
