Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
