u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize