he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
