it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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