I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
