Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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