did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
There's even glitter on my cock...
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