My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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