sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
