that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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