someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
this just has baby written all over it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
