I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
