need another drink. this is the easiest way
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
