i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
