It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Houston, we have a blender
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
