Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
