How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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