I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
