He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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