foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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