Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
