Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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