um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
