He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
