I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
