You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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