took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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