Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
