if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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