I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
