Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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