he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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