How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
