I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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