That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
