pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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