it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
