nut hugger
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
