At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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