it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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