Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
