last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize