some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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