How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
