Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
