when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
