he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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