I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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