I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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