The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
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