I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
