i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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