I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize