Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Less talking, more tequila
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
