The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize